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matrixrefugeeUnfortunately, the thread I copied this -- my post -- from got locked due to people having hissy fits over what it means to be male or to be female and trying to imply that if you are same-sex attracted in any form, then you really aren't male or female. I wrote this in response to another poster who feels as lonely in the Church as I do and for the same reason. I was hoping a few people would offer a little affirmation to what I had to say. I know people are going to disagree with me on some of the points, but that's okay: we can agree to disagree. I just felt like sharing what I had to say, since I feel this is one of my better pieces of writing on something that is so fundamental to who I am:
Sounds to me like you're going through a dark night of the soul, or something like it. And believe me, I am there myself. I'm bicelibate (ie. I'm bisexual, but I have never had and probably never will have relations with another person of either gender and I have accepted and embraced this fact), and I put my sexuality in God's hands to do with it as He sees fit. However, I find going to church to be, all too often, a dry experience. I feel invisible because I am a single woman and thus, I'm there at Mass by myself or with my parents, and I obviously don't have a husband and the pewful of kids that too many people in the Church seem to think I'm supposed to have (not slamming large families, I'm merely expressing how I feel). I don't have what it takes to be a nun -- that and I tried to join the Visitation Sisters, since they tend to accept women whose health doesn't allow them to join the more rigorous orders, but they wouldn't answer my letters after I told them I'm autistic.
All too often, I feel like I'm alone in the Church with God and the one or two priests who respect what I am. I know God loves me, but right now, it's hard to feel it. It's hard to feel it when otherwise good charitable Catholics don't get it, who think people like me just need a good person of the complimentary gender to "straighten (us) out", or who think some amount of therapy will make me into a happy straight person, or who think that all same-sex attracted people have some kind of "agenda" to take over the world or corrupt their kids, when we *just* want to be treated like other people. This is my cross in life. I accept it, I may not like it, and I have days when I'm like Christ limping through the streets of Jerusalem on the way to Golgotha, with the crowd jeering at him and (most likely) throwing things at Him, and every time He staggers and stumbles, one of the soldiers comes over and kicks Him in the ribs...
But I keep going. I keep going to Mass. I keep saying the rosary. I keep going, in the hope that someday, more people in the Church will see Christ in their gay and bisexual brethren and embrace Christ in us. That's all I ask for. Just to be loved as Christ loved me and every other same-sex attracted person who lived or will ever live. He died for those moments when my feelings have edged over the line into desire, but His death wasn't to "zap" me for having these feelings and desires. His death was to give me and every other same-sex attracted person the chance to be more than just the emotional and hormonal processes going on in our heads and bodies. I'm sure if Christ came back to earth for a visit, He'd be "hanging out" with gays and bisexuals the same way He hung out with tax collectors and fishermen and prostitutes when He walked this earth, and His actions would scandalize the modern age's equivalents to the Pharisees and Sadducees. He'd probably accept a cold drink from a gay couple the same way He accepted a drink of water from a Samaritan woman who was living with a guy she wasn't married to. Sure, He'd give them a nudge in the right direction, but I doubt He'd come down like a ton of bricks like so many Christians today tend to do.
I know I'm rambling into too long don't read territory, but this has been on my mind and heart for a very long time and I hope some good comes about from me unloading it here...
Sounds to me like you're going through a dark night of the soul, or something like it. And believe me, I am there myself. I'm bicelibate (ie. I'm bisexual, but I have never had and probably never will have relations with another person of either gender and I have accepted and embraced this fact), and I put my sexuality in God's hands to do with it as He sees fit. However, I find going to church to be, all too often, a dry experience. I feel invisible because I am a single woman and thus, I'm there at Mass by myself or with my parents, and I obviously don't have a husband and the pewful of kids that too many people in the Church seem to think I'm supposed to have (not slamming large families, I'm merely expressing how I feel). I don't have what it takes to be a nun -- that and I tried to join the Visitation Sisters, since they tend to accept women whose health doesn't allow them to join the more rigorous orders, but they wouldn't answer my letters after I told them I'm autistic.
All too often, I feel like I'm alone in the Church with God and the one or two priests who respect what I am. I know God loves me, but right now, it's hard to feel it. It's hard to feel it when otherwise good charitable Catholics don't get it, who think people like me just need a good person of the complimentary gender to "straighten (us) out", or who think some amount of therapy will make me into a happy straight person, or who think that all same-sex attracted people have some kind of "agenda" to take over the world or corrupt their kids, when we *just* want to be treated like other people. This is my cross in life. I accept it, I may not like it, and I have days when I'm like Christ limping through the streets of Jerusalem on the way to Golgotha, with the crowd jeering at him and (most likely) throwing things at Him, and every time He staggers and stumbles, one of the soldiers comes over and kicks Him in the ribs...
But I keep going. I keep going to Mass. I keep saying the rosary. I keep going, in the hope that someday, more people in the Church will see Christ in their gay and bisexual brethren and embrace Christ in us. That's all I ask for. Just to be loved as Christ loved me and every other same-sex attracted person who lived or will ever live. He died for those moments when my feelings have edged over the line into desire, but His death wasn't to "zap" me for having these feelings and desires. His death was to give me and every other same-sex attracted person the chance to be more than just the emotional and hormonal processes going on in our heads and bodies. I'm sure if Christ came back to earth for a visit, He'd be "hanging out" with gays and bisexuals the same way He hung out with tax collectors and fishermen and prostitutes when He walked this earth, and His actions would scandalize the modern age's equivalents to the Pharisees and Sadducees. He'd probably accept a cold drink from a gay couple the same way He accepted a drink of water from a Samaritan woman who was living with a guy she wasn't married to. Sure, He'd give them a nudge in the right direction, but I doubt He'd come down like a ton of bricks like so many Christians today tend to do.
I know I'm rambling into too long don't read territory, but this has been on my mind and heart for a very long time and I hope some good comes about from me unloading it here...
no subject
Date: 2009-01-26 01:43 am (UTC)