Love Bites
Oct. 28th, 2004 09:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matrixrefugeeI've honestly had it with having crushes on anyone. Right now, I honestly don't care what depression meds I get put on, sexual side-effects or no. I don't want my heart getting ripped to shreds any more.
The Frenchman is as good as taken. I should know better than to lose my heart to a nice guy: they usually already have somebody.
I remember some entries back snarking at my mother suggesting I might be bisexual; I think I looked at her wierd and I said "How the heck could that be?! I don't even *like* most women, why would I be attracted to them *that* way?!" But I think she's right. I'm just not ready to admit it to her.
I've always been very attracted to Asian girls: I remember, back when I worked at the other bakery, when I trained this one girl whose parents came from Laos, I thought she was extremely pretty and mature for her age, and I kept thinking, "The guy who falls in love with her is gonna be the luckiest guy alive, and I'm the luckiest girl alive to have her as a co-worker." I remember the feelings I had for her deepening, though of course I could never let her know what I was feeling.
Lately... I've found H. very attractive. I've caught myself wishing I'd been born a man so I could make her happy. Apparantly, her ex-husband wasn't very good to her, and ended up leaving her, so there's a part of me that wishes I could one-up him for ditching a nice lady like her.
Don't get me wrong: I still prefer guys over ladies, but I guess there was something latent in me that was trying to express itself when I created my crazy pansexual character Hal McGeever. I just don't know how to share this with my parents, for fear of the reprecussions. I can imagine my dad throwing the first guys he comes across at my head to "straighten me out" and my mother blaming herself for why I "came out wrong". I honestly think homosexuality/bisexuality has a genetic trigger, but certain environmental factors cause it to express itself in an individual.
The Frenchman is as good as taken. I should know better than to lose my heart to a nice guy: they usually already have somebody.
I remember some entries back snarking at my mother suggesting I might be bisexual; I think I looked at her wierd and I said "How the heck could that be?! I don't even *like* most women, why would I be attracted to them *that* way?!" But I think she's right. I'm just not ready to admit it to her.
I've always been very attracted to Asian girls: I remember, back when I worked at the other bakery, when I trained this one girl whose parents came from Laos, I thought she was extremely pretty and mature for her age, and I kept thinking, "The guy who falls in love with her is gonna be the luckiest guy alive, and I'm the luckiest girl alive to have her as a co-worker." I remember the feelings I had for her deepening, though of course I could never let her know what I was feeling.
Lately... I've found H. very attractive. I've caught myself wishing I'd been born a man so I could make her happy. Apparantly, her ex-husband wasn't very good to her, and ended up leaving her, so there's a part of me that wishes I could one-up him for ditching a nice lady like her.
Don't get me wrong: I still prefer guys over ladies, but I guess there was something latent in me that was trying to express itself when I created my crazy pansexual character Hal McGeever. I just don't know how to share this with my parents, for fear of the reprecussions. I can imagine my dad throwing the first guys he comes across at my head to "straighten me out" and my mother blaming herself for why I "came out wrong". I honestly think homosexuality/bisexuality has a genetic trigger, but certain environmental factors cause it to express itself in an individual.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-10-29 08:34 am (UTC)It's possible to be, say 30/70 bisexual (that's roughly my ratio of female/male attraction)... and perhaps Hal was a safe way for you to start exploring that side of yourself. And don't feel pressure to talk to anyone about it until you're ready to -- if ever. There are some things that parents are just better off not knowing ;-). (I remember my own mother's reaction when I told her I was bi. She was upset until I assured her that since I'm married, I'm now functionally heterosexual. That seemed to reassure her! lol)
As for the nature-versus-nurture nature of homosexuality or bisexuality, personally I think it's an interesting argument intellectually, but perhaps rather pointless in the long run -- after all, if you are, you are, no matter what the reason. If you need to talk to a healthy bisexual... *puts on the neon hat that says "I AM BI!" with a big arrow pointing straight down*