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Author's Note: Written for [livejournal.com profile] comment_fic's "Supernatural/Twilight; Dean, Sam, Cullen Vamps; "Why the hell are these vampires all sparkly!?!"


Bishop, an army buddy of Dad's, had put the call in: he worked as the game warden near Forks, Washington, and he'd seen several bears and mountain lions turn up dead, drained entirely of their blood, and now the deer population had exploded, resulting in over-grazed trees and a number of nasty road accidents when the deer tried crossing the roads. Sam didn't want to take the job, since there'd been no reports of humans getting chomped on.

"Yeah, well, when people started runnin' into Bambi's mother, that's good enough for me. Find the nest, find the vegetarian bloodsuckers, behead 'em an' torch the bodies. That's what Dad would have us do," Dean said, as they drove through the woods to the possible location of the nest.

They expected to pull up in front of a run down building or the mouth of an abandoned mine, but instead, they drew the Impala up before a trim Victorian with a neatly trimmed lawn.

"Swanky bloodsuckers," Dean remarked, staring up at the house.

"Dean, you're sure this is the right place?" Sam asked, incredulous.

"Bishop said this was most likely the location of the nest," Dean said, reaching for the machete in the back seat and getting out.

"It just seems too normal," Sam said, getting out of the shotgun seat and reaching for another machete in the back seat.

"Probably younger vampires," Dean said. "Older ones don't pretend to be anything but monsters, but the younger ones either pretend they're the Addams Family, or they watched too much anny-mae, and think they're Sailor Fangs.

They kicked open the back door and stormed through a hallway into the dining room, where a birthday party was in progress. The guest of honor was a pretty but nondescript brown-haired girl, while the fellow holding her hand as she was about to blow out the candles had a poofy hairdo that belonged on a boy-band member, if you could overlook the unhealthy pallor to his skin. The other seven people, gathered around the suspiciously unset table, likewise looked too pale to be anything but vampires: even under Washington's perpetual overcast, people got *some* color, more than what these freaks had. Nice work: sweetening up a girl on cake before they drained her.

Dean beheaded a tall, suspiciously young-looking blond male who appeared to be the head vampire, then Sam beheaded a female which was likely the mate. The human girl started crying at them, calling them "evil killers", as they made short work of Mister Backstreet Vampire Boy, when they likely saving her life.

They were dragging the corpses out into the yard to burn them -- the dumb girl yooping at Sam and Dean hysterically -- when Dean noticed something very weird about the skin on the corpses.

"Why the hell are these vampires all *sparkly*?!"

April 2017

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